The comedian and classic pantomime dame on the secrets of stage goo and the joy of condensed milk
I don’t remember eating with Mum or Dad. Dad wasn’t around in Croydon, then Mum died while I was evacuated out in Maidford. Afterwards Gran managed to bring us up on her £2 and 15 shillings pension and still found spare coins for seats at the Croydon Empire every Tuesday evening. I remember seeing Dick Whittington there and then impersonating a cat for the next fortnight – lapping my milk from a saucer, taking my meals under the kitchen table, on all fours. And Gran never batted an eyelid. People would say “Roy’s half daft” and she’d say “Well, I like him”.
The ingredients of the firm yet gooey slosh which the great clown Charlie Cairoli used in “the messiest kitchen scene in history of panto” was top secret. When I was on the bill with him at Leeds Empire, he’d have it made each day in a locked basement room. But I managed to collect a sample and take it to my brother, an analytical chemist. Yet when he opened the box it had evaporated completely. So I spent a lot of time mixing and cooking up my own perfect slosh and then dyed it brown because when two gallons are tipped down my trousers and it trickles out at the ankles the kids especially appreciate the colour. Nowadays, I do a kitchen scene even messier than Cairoli’s, I promise you.
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